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The River Morning Show with Randy & Rachel

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What Food and Drama You’re Bringing to Thanksgiving, According to Zodiac

Zodiac signs inside of horoscope circle. Astrology in the sky with many stars and moons  astrology and horoscopes concept

Photo: Getty Images

Thanksgiving is tomorrow. Here are the things you should expect based on your zodiac sign. Are they accurate?

Aries: scorched Earth turkey

The Firestarter of the zodiac insists on deep-frying the turkey. Predictably, they fail to read the instructions or follow safety protocol.

Bad news:The house is engulfed in flames.

Good news:The bone structure of the average Aries is solid enough to support an absence of eyebrows.

Taurus: potatoes

Little known fact: Inside the chest of every Taurus beats not a heart but a Yukon Gold potato. They’ll take your casseroles, your twice-baked, your mashed and your scalloped. Never the sort to let gluttony stand in the way of glamour, bulls will spend Thanksgiving stacking the starch from the comfort of a velvet tracksuit.

Gemini: spilled tea

Gemini forgot to bring the side dish they either burned or never planned to make, so they’re bringing nothing but hot takes, unsolicited opinions, tangents, half-truths and divorce predictions to the table this year.

Cancer: weed

Feelings are hard, bro, and feelings plus family plus the crushing weight of ancestral trauma equals too heavy a burden for the crab folk to bear without a crutch. Practitioners of discreet but extensive self-care, you’ll find them in the upstairs bathtub, hotboxing and ugly-crying.

Leo: a camera

Still sore that their Mom didn’t read their blog in high school, Leo records dinner table conversation with plans to turn the dramatics and infighting into a one-person off-Broadway play — starring, no drum roll necessary, themselves. Validation or vengeance? Why choose?

Virgo: Tupperware, but they want it back

Virgo insists on hosting because they know full well no one else is capable. They pretend to have fun while secretly fantasizing about the moment everyone leaves and they can clean the kitchen and watch terrible reality television in blessed, solitary peace.

Libra: handwoven tablecloth

Ever-seeking to smooth things over or at the very least cover them up when company is coming, Libra hopes the expansive and inexplicable velvet cornucopia centerpiece and the intricate embroidery of the tablecloth will distract from the plain fact that they are hanging on by a thread.

Scorpio: nothing

As the investigator, and unexpected moral compass of the zodiac, Scorpio conscientiously objects to celebrating a holiday that is, in essence, a pumpkin-flavored commemoration of colonial genocide.

Sagittarius: mushroom chocolates

Maybe if we could all get a little weird, we could all get along: That is the guiding principle of the terminally optimistic Sagittarian, who shows up half-drunk with a good-looking stranger on their arm and a deck of playing cards in their pocket.

Capricorn: macaroni and cheese

Cap brings a pan of macaroni and cheese, as it is cost-effective, utilitarian and refuses to pander to those weak enough to have food allergies. The dairy-bound dish is emblematic of the sign itself — perpetually charged with keeping it all together.

Aquarius: something terrible with lentils

Galvanized by a surrealist film and Kim Kardashian’s Instagram Stories, the uncontested cult leader of the zodiac declares that meat is murder and shames/shades anyone who reaches for a drumstick or looks longingly at the spiral ham.

Pisces: boxed wine

Pisces shows up late to Friendsgiving — and in yesterday’s clothes. They smile and bop around the kitchen, asking if anyone needs help and with zero intention of providing it. They shelve the boxed wine they brought and open something expensive that they didn’t.

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